“ Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern. Some things may not be resolved in this life. Trusting in Christ and His timetable will help each prepare to do all they can do to mend troubled relationships” ( Harper and Olsen).

I love this quote because not everyone has great in-law relations, in fact, I know the majority of people have complaints or unsatisfactory relationships with their in-laws. This quote reminds us that that is ok, it just takes time to overcome those bumps in the road. Trusting in Christ and His timetable will definitely help us have peace and comfort when relationships are rocky.  As I have learned about growing to be apart of a new family as a daughter in law, here are some ideas and does and don’ts that might be helpful to those who are new to it or have yet to cross that bridge:

Do

• Find common ground with in-laws and establish fun traditions.
• Look for the good and the things you love about your in-laws/what they add to your life rather than the negatives or what you don’t like about them.
• Be honest and open with each other, but also respectful of one another’s feelings and already established traditions.
• Overall, create healthy ties with in-laws and extended family will bring your greater joy and feelings of connectedness if you are willing to adapt and set aside your pride. 
• Nurture and strengthen your relationship with your in-laws, it will be eternally rewarding.

Don’t

• Assume or judge to quickly
• Talk behind backs or hide information
• Forgo all communication
• Not forgive

“Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences.” (Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.”)

• 

Unlike some people, I am so beyond lucky to be blessed with the best in-laws! One of the best parts about getting married was actually gaining my incredible in-laws. They were part of what sealed the deal for me to marry my husband. In my opinion, building close relationships with your in-laws is essential. The relationships you build with them can truly magnify and bless your life in more ways that you can imagine if you work at it. In my situation, we live very close to both my parents and my husband’s parents, so we see them often. If our relationship was rocky, it would make Sunday dinners and other family activities awkward, but they are not because I have such great in-laws who want us to be a part of their lives, but also respect our distance. I would have to say that my mother in law is probably one of my best friends. We get along so well and have such great communication. Communication and time together has helped us grow closer and more fond of each other.

I really like the quote, “Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences” (Harper and Olsen) because that is what it takes to maintain good strong relationships. Building close relationships with your in-laws is crucial because you will be with them for eternity. Personally, I hope that eternity is joyful, peaceful, and filled with fun times with all of my extended family and in-laws.

Reference:

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

• (Creating Healthy Ties Accessible version)

Family Councils – What are they?

In my opinion, a family council is a safe discussion where family members have the opportunity to openly plan, work out, and discuss upcoming and ongoing matters of life, work, finances, home, the gospel, and other important aspect of life. 

Why do we need them?

Family councils are critical for families to be “on the same page”. When I say on the same page, I mean that each member of the family knows what is expected of them and the other family members and they are all working together to achieve the same goals and help one another achieve their individual goals. Family councils help to create harmony and unity within a home. Family councils also help each member of the family have a voice, or a chance to voice their thoughts and feelings which allows for a feeling of security and trust when done often and when the other family members listen and work to help one another.  Family councils create opportunities for children to learn how to discuss and make important decisions with other people. 

Growing up, my parents were great at having family councils pretty regularly. My siblings and I felt very respected and comfortable sharing our thoughts, feelings, and testimonies in front of our family. These wonderful councils prepared us to be leaders and team players in the real world. 

How Often Should We Have Family Councils?

In his book,”Counseling with your Councils”, Elder Ballard invites us to have weekly family councils and offers some great counsel on holding councils. Below are a few highlights of the principles that Elder Ballard teaches that can help improve family councils. I hope to incorporate these principles and to hold weekly family councils so that my family can become stronger and grow closer together.

We need to be of one heart and one mind with pure hearts and intents:

“The decisions of these quorums, or either of them, are to be made in all righteousness, in holiness, and lowliness of heart, meekness and long suffering, and in faith, and virtue, and knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity; because the promise is, if these things abound in them they shall not be unfruitful in the knowledge of the Lord” (D&C 107:30-31)

Unanimity is Essential:

“The Brethren express their thoughts and feelings. (Page 48)They are men of strong character, men from different backgrounds—they are certainly not “yes” men. They speak as they are moved by the Spirit. They strive to feel the manifestations of the Spirit concerning the item being discussed, which may necessitate a change in their own feelings and thoughts in order to be in harmony with the entire Council. When the President of the Twelve senses a unity taking place concerning the item on the agenda, he may ask for a recommendation, or one of the Twelve may present a recommendation to the Twelve. The recommendation remarkably summarizes the feelings of the total Council. The President will then state, “We have before us a recommendation. Is there any further discussion?” Each member of the Twelve will have an opportunity again to express himself. They don’t repeat what has already been said; rather, there is an unusual economy of expression in order to ascertain the total views of the Council. After all who have a desire to speak have done so, the recommendation may be modified. The recommendation is then presented in the form of a motion by a member of the Twelve, and is seconded by another. The President of the Twelve then asks for the vote of the Quorum; thus, the Twelve make decisions in harmony, unity, and faith, with the combined judgment of each member and in harmony with the Spirit. (Called to the Work, 111–13) 

Women Play an Important Role:

“The work of our wonderful women is vital …. It is extremely important for stake and ward councils and committees to consistently concern themselves with the issues that affect the families, women, youth, and children. These issues should be a regular part of the agenda of these meetings, and our women leaders should take part in the discussions. Our women are companion-leaders to help all of our members receive the benefits of the Church and the watch care, development, and refuge from the world that the Church provides. Please do not overlook the great strength that can and does come from our women. (Address at Regional Representatives’ seminar, 31 Mar. 1989, 2)”

Russell Ballard (1997) Counseling With Your Councils. “Chapter 2: General Councils in the Church” (Accessible Version)

In today’s world, we see the heart breaking consequences of infidelity in marriage more often every day. In order to fortify our marriages and combat this ever growing plague, we need to be true to our covenants and to our spouses especially regarding physical intimacy.

One scripture that I have thought a lot about this week is in the book of Genesis chapter 2 verse 24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father  and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife : and they shall be one flesh”.  The word CLEAVE has continued to play through my thoughts over the past few days. To me, it is so important to always turn towards my husband and cleave unto him through everything – the thick and the thin. I have noticed that when we are more consistently cleaving unto one another, we are more joyful together and we are more at peace with the difficulties of life that we sometimes face.

In addition, I was able to attend my cousin’s sealing this week and as I listened to the words throughout the sealing, I kept pondering the word “cleave”. As I did so, I was filled with motivation and strength to work together with my husband and always put the Lord and my husband first. As my husband and I cleave unto the Lord and unto one another, we will be filled with more joy and peace throughout our life. 

My thoughts have been magnified and reaffirmed as I studied the words of the prophets this week. I was able to read through a few quotes about marriage that I don’t want to ever forget or let slip away from my goals. Here are a few of the quotes and counsel that I hope to always remember:

—-> “Tenderness and respect–never selfishness–must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the others needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord.” – President Howard W. Hunter, “Being a Righteous Husband and Father,” Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51

—-> “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose.” – Elder Richard G. Scott, “ Making the Right Choices,”Ensign, Nov. 1994, 38.

—-> “A good question to ask ourselves is this: Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this? Would a wife be pleased to know that her husband lunches alone with his secretary? Would a husband be pleased if he saw his wife flirting and being coy with another man? My beloved brothers and sisters, this is what Paul men at when he said, “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22). – President Ezra Taft Benson. “The Law of Chastity” BYU 1987-88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches [1988], p. 52.

Genesis 2:24 https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/ot/gen/2.24?lang=eng

Gridlock – “noun: gridlock; plural noun: gridlocks
a traffic jam affecting a whole network of intersecting streets.” – Google 

Gridlock in any situation hinders individuals from progressing. Gridlock in a marriage prevents husbands and wives from working together to form a more perfect bond and relationship. Gridlock causes negative feelings and frustration. So what can we do to overcome the “traffic jam affecting the whole network/marriage” (Google)?

From my reading this week, I have come to realize that the three best ways to overcome gridlock are charity, communication, and making time to explain or understand one another’s hopes and dreams. Here is the break down:

1. Charity – Charity is pure love. Having charity means that you have a softened heart which allows you to see from your spouse’s point of view and opens up a pathway in the midst of the traffic jam. In my opinion, charity also helps you to find joy and peace amidst the sometimes rocky or stressful traffic jams that are more difficult to untangle. 
2. Communication – Communication can be easy for some couples and more difficult for others, however, when each spouse takes the time to be patient and listen to the other spouse, it creates what I like to call a “safe zone” where each spouse feels safe to communicate their thoughts and feelings without being criticized. Communication is critical to overcoming gridlock. 
3. Explanation of Hopes/Dreams –  Explaining yourself can often be difficult and cause gridlock, so learning to talk through or explain what your deepest hopes and dreams are to your spouse might help them have a greater desire to “be on your team” and help you work to achieve your hopes and dreams. Understanding one another’s hopes and dreams can also give meaning to the reasoning of your spouse doing certain things and can reduce misunderstandings in a marriage. 

In my own marriage, having charity towards my husband is a state of mind and being that I am always trying to maintain. I notice that because I really do love my husband purely, that it is easier for me to want to understand him and his desires so that we don’t have too many miscommunications and misunderstandings. Communicating clearly our thoughts to one another has helped us have better conflict resolution skills so that we hardly ever have conflict in our marriage. As we explain and work to understand the hopes and dreams that we both have, we find fulfillment and joy as we work to help each other achieve those goals and it brings us closer together. Overcoming gridlock in a marriage takes humility and patience, but I know that as we work to have charity, as we listen and communicate clearly, and as we come to understand one another’s hopes and dreams, we will be able to work through anything with our spouse and we will become stronger together through the process. 

https://www.google.com/search?q=gridlock&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS710US710&oq=gridlock&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.2889j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

In marriage, it is good to have opinions and discussions, however if we choose to let our emotions control us and cause perpetual conflict and anger to enter into our relationship, we are letting Satan and the natural man win and we are hindering our marriage.

In Elder Robbins talk, “Agency and Anger” he gives the great counsel to strengthen our marriage and avoid the influence of Satan by choosing not to get angry. He even emphasizes that, ” The Lord expects us to make the choice not to become angry.” As I read this I reflected back on my childhood and learning how to control my frustrations. If we can learn to control our emotions or our feelings of frustration, we will be more capable of handling conflict with our spouses. Fortunately, because I learned this at a young age, I have been able to work through conflict and misunderstandings with peace and patience instead of uncontrolled emotion and contempt. I know in my own marriage, it has been a blessing to have goals established. When we first got married, my husband and I made it a goal that we would never raise our voices or yell at one another. This has been a blessing and has helped us have peace in our home. I really liked the quote that Elder Robbins shared in his talk that says, “Let husband and wife never speak in loud tones to each other, ‘unless the house is on fire’” (Stepping Stones to an Abundant Life, comp. Llewelyn R. McKay [1971], 294). Although this is lighthearted, I think that conflict can be resolved so much more smoothly and calmly if this is a goal for a husband and wife to maintain.

One important aspect of my marriage is that my husband and I make sure to create our home and family traditions and habits based on the profound principles and doctrines in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”. I love that we are taught that “the family is central to the Creator’s plan” and that “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” and a “sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). When these roles are understood, it can be easier to have consecration in a marriage. Consecration in a marriage means that spouses can fully love and serve one another without any hesitation. In my marriage, there are multiple ways that my husband and I consecrate ourselves for our marriage, but most importantly we both strive to put the Lord first, and then each other. We have found that when we put the Lord first, it is easier to love and serve each other willingly and more often. We have worked diligently to live like the counsel in Mosiah 18:21 “there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another”. I hope that as we continue to follow the counsel we have been given to not allow anger into our hearts and homes, our marriage will be a blessing to our family and to those who need hope in this world where “men’s hearts are failing them.”

Elder Lynn G Robbins, of the Seventy, April 1998 “Anger and Agency” https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1998/04/agency-and-anger?lang=eng

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2017/05/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng
Mosiah 18:21 https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/18.21?lang=eng

In marriage, if not carefully safeguarded and nurtured, pride can slip in and become very destructive to a marriage and family.

This week I had the opportunity to study the wonderful talk called, “Beware of Pride” by President Ezra Taft Benson. I would highly recommend following the link down below and taking a few minutes to read through the talk. In the talk he counsels us to avoid pride and choose to be humble instead. He points out different ways that we let pride affect us and the serious consequences of choosing to let pride overcome our thoughts and actions. However, he also provides great counsel on how we can CHOOSE to be humble and how that allows us to overcome our pride and strengthen our marriages. I was definitely inspired and uplifted by his wise counsel.

In particular, there were three quotes that really stood out to me. The first quote, talks about what pride is when he says,  “Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)” I thought this quote was fascinating because when we are being prideful, we really are only focused on ourselves and not the will of the Lord. This quote made me reflect on my day to day interactions with my husband and with others around me. Since I read this talk, I have tried to stop myself from becoming competitive over small matters. I have also tried to recognize when my thoughts and actions are not focused on doing the will of the Lord. I hope to continue to improve in this so that I can cast out any temptations of being prideful.

The second quote is longer, but it is so important to me. President Benson continues, “The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. (See Alma 7:23.) It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. (See 3 Ne. 9:20; 3 Ne. 12:19; D&C 20:37; D&C 59:8; Ps. 34:18; Isa. 57:15; Isa. 66:2.)  God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Alma said, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” (Alma 32:16.) Let us choose to be humble.” I love this quote because it encourages me to become more humble and take careful attention to become more meek and submissive so that I am not prideful.

Lastly, President Benson provides perfect examples of how we can choose to be humble in our daily lives. I will list these great examples:

• “We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (See D&C 38:24; D&C 81:5; D&C 84:106.)”
• We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. (See Jacob 4:10; Hel. 15:3; D&C 63:55; D&C 101:4–5; D&C 108:1; D&C 124:61, 84; D&C 136:31; Prov. 9:8.)
• We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. (See 3 Ne. 13:11, 14; D&C 64:10.)
• We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service. (See Mosiah 2:16–17.)
• We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others. (See Alma 4:19; Alma 31:5; Alma 48:20.)
• We can choose to humble ourselves by getting to the temple more frequently.
• We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God. (See D&C 58:43; Mosiah 27:25–26; Alma 5:7–14, 49.)
• We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives. (See 3 Ne. 11:11; 3 Ne. 13:33; Moro. 10:32.)”

I am encouraged to choose to be humble and I hope that after reading through the counsel of President Benson, that you are too.

President Ezra Taft Benson, “Beware of Pride”, May 1989 https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/study/scriptures/bofm/alma/7.23?#22

Have you and your spouse ever had a disagreement or a misunderstanding? Have you ever experienced being a little more distant with them than you would have liked to have been? Well, this week I was reminded of some great advice that can really strengthen your marriage and bring you and your spouse closer together, even when you think it is not feasible or even possible.

That advice is to turn towards one another instead of away from one another. When we work on turning towards one another, it can be difficult. My own aunt and uncle are still working on turning towards one another in their mw we wearriageqwqq, even though they have been married for quite some time. It is interesting to see that they do not work on turning towards each other, but actually they turn away from each other as if that is supposed to solve their differences. It can be difficult to put aside our pride or what we think might be the best way, however, when we decide to work with our spouse and see from their perspective, it is amazing what can be accomplished and the unity that is created is so powerful. From my own experience, I have noticed that I feel such a greater love and connection to my husband when I choose to turn towards him. I have also noticed that if we decide ahead of time that we are going to make sure that our spouses needs are met or that we will at least work to understand what their needs are, we will have a greater desire to turn towards our spouse in times of need and difficulty. As a result of turning towards one another, we become a stronger unit. As we continue this habit, we will be prepared to stand with one another when those difficulties come.

On the other hand, if your spouse chooses to continue to turn away, one other solution is to work on creating shared meaning. In Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he talks about working with your spouse to create things like values, memories, and goals that will help bring meaning and value to your marriage. In particular, he lists four pillars of shared meaning:

1. Rituals of Connection
2. Support for Each Other’s Roles
3. Shared Goals
4. Shared Value and Symbols

In my own marriage, my husband and I have worked to create variations of these shared meanings in our home and marriage. We have been blessed to have peace and understanding in our home and marriage because we can see eye to eye. This has been a result of our choice at the beginning of our marriage to work together to establish the connection, roles, goals, and values that we hold dear and choose to honor.

In one of my favorite books of scripture, Doctrine and Covenants section 64 verse 33, it says, “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” I love this scripture because it reminds me that even the little things really do matter. The small details in our home and marriage are critical. This scripture reminds me that taking the time to focus and listen to my husband after a busy day (instead of hurrying to tell him about my day first) is so important. I am grateful for this scripture because it reminds me that any small step that I take to turn towards my husband will be worth it and as we take the time to strengthen the foundation of our marriage, we will be able to continually turn towards one another and remain strong and unified.

D&C 64:33

https://www.lds.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/64?lang=eng

The past few weeks have been filled with stresses and difficulties in my life that have really made me cherish and be more grateful for my husband. As I was in a hit and run accident the other day, it made me take a step back and truly see how short life is and that I need to be more grateful everyday for the things I do have and for my eternal family. I am normally very grateful for what I have and I have often written gratitude journals and daily reflections just to help me be closer to the Spirit and to have an eternal perspective, however this minor event in my life has caused me to diligently and proactively recognize what truly matters in this life more regularly throughout my day. The accident was not very major and I was not hurt too badly, however, the quick timing in which my life flashed before my eyes made me see more clearly what really matters in this life and why I want to work to cherish and nurture my husband and family for the time that I am with them. From that moment on, I have committed to maintain that same perspective every day so that I don’t miss a moment with my husband and so that I don’t miss a moment where the hand of the Lord is guiding and protecting me.

• 

Similarly, my relationship with my husband has been strengthened and will continue to be strengthened as we nurture our fondness and admiration for one another. We were able to go through one of Gottman’s question games and as we did so it allowed us to reflect on our relationship and the fondness we have towards one another. Elder Neal A Maxwell stated that we are each others “clinical material” (see reference below). I believe that through reflecting on what we know about our spouse, why we love and admire them, and sharing our deepest thoughts, concerns, and desires with them is truly a remedy to strengthening an individual and a marriage.

This week I will continue to work on nurturing and cherishing the fondness and admiration I have for my husband by doing these three things:

1. Pray for continued strength and love to recognize my husband’s strengths and also what I can do to help support him and meet his needs.
2. Be more excited when he comes home from work and focus on him more than my own to do list.
3. Complimenting him and recognizing characteristics I love about him

(Elder Neal A Maxwell “A Brother Offended”, 1982)

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1982/04/a-brother-offended?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.

Marriage is wonderful, but it can sometimes be difficult. The way that marriage becomes more difficult is through negative behaviors.

Personally, I have been married for two years and it has been the best two years of my life so far because of my amazing husband and our ability to see from one another’s perspective . As I studied about Gottman’s research and phenomenon of “sentiment override” I began to realize that my husband and I have a great positive sentiment override in our marriage because we not only have a strong and friendly relationship, but we are able to communicate constructively with one another. Part of this is contributory to the fact that we are best friends and we want to know and understand the hopes, thoughts, and desires of one another so that we can create harmony and peace in our home and family.

Building a marriage relationship based on a friendship is very nice to have and makes marriage more fun. When you have a friendship this means that there is a level of commitment, loyalty, and trust. In a marriage, it takes work to nurture and strengthen those characteristics throughout your life. However, if you treat your marriage like a friendship that you don’t want to lose, you will strive to keep it lively, fun, and strong hopefully always putting your spouse first with admiration and concern.

I really enjoy that Gottman suggests to strengthen your friendship in you marriage. In the blog article “5 Simple Ways to Strengthen the Friendship in Your Marriage” (see link and reference below), there is a summary of the five ways that Gottman talks about that I think are great tools. Here are the five ways:

1. Make small moments into pivotal experience
2. Express genuine interest in your partner.
3. Make everything positive in your relationship foreplay.
4. Make your friendship unconditional.
5. Be on your partner’s team

As we make sure to include these five steps into our marriage, they will provide us with tools to create a wonderful foundation of friendship in our marriages that will help combat negative behaviors and will enable us to have lasting admiration for our spouse.

Although these steps might seem easy to quickly instill into your marriage, we all still have to work to overcome the natural man. In Mosiah 3:19 we learn that we need to “[Yield] to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him”. If we can learn to do these things, we will be able to put off our natural tendencies to get frustrated, to think and act selfishly, or to become non communicative with our spouse and we will be able to see from their perspective. We will also have the will power to set aside our needs and address the needs of our spouses. As we learn to put off the natural man, or our negative behaviors, we will enable ourselves and our marriages to become joyful, loving, and more beautiful than we can  ever imagine.

(5 Simple Ways to Strengthen the Friendship in Your Marriage”, (Liz Higgins, LMFTA, December 19, 2016) https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-simple-ways-strengthen-friendship-marriage/
Book of Mormon, Mosiah 3:19 https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/3.19?

The three wolves:

1. Natural Adversity
2. Own Imperfections
3. Excessive Individualism

These three categories that I have listed are what Elder Bruce C Hafen, of the Seventy, calls the “three wolves” that every marriage is tested with repeatedly.

The first wolf: Natural adversity occurs in every marriage because everyone goes through difficulties and trials. That is part of the reason we are here on this earth. Natural adversity tests a marriage because it brings out the true colors in each spouse and allows them to grow and strengthen one another. On the other hand, natural adversity can weaken and even break apart a precious marriage if the husband and wife do not maintain an eternal perspective and if they forget to put the Lord first.

The second wolf: Our own imperfections can definitely make a profound impact on our marriages. Whether a spouse constantly points out their pet peeves of the other spouse, or one spouse complains about their own imperfections too often, or there are issues about our own imperfections that should be addressed but are not addressed, we need to be aware of our imperfections and strive to improve, but we also need to treat the imperfections of our spouse with charity and kindness.

The third wolf: Excessive individualism comes from selfishness and a lack of meekness. This wolf can easily overtake our thoughts and actions if we let it. In the world today we see more and more self absorption through social media and other online resources. This wolf weakens marriages and self confidence.

Beware of the wolves.

No matter what religion you are or what your beliefs are, every marriage has its trials or at least learning curves for both husband and wife to overcome and grow from. In my opinion, the most particularly detrimental “wolf” to our current society is the rapidly growing “social norm” of excessive individualism. I feel that this is beginning to be the plague of our culture because each person does things for their own self interest. More marriages are falling apart due to selfishness. Even before marriage, the argument that people need to find themselves before they can commit to someone else, while never actually desiring to get married is also becoming more normal as we see the average marriage age increasing. Marriage takes work and selflessness. The way that our society is going does not encourage or give praise to marriage or the hard work and selflessness that goes into making marriage work. Being selfish is the easy route and Satan always makes the easy route look better, even if it is truly less rewarding.  

So how do we overcome these wolves? It takes work. We can work to conquer these wolves by nurturing a covenant marriage not just agreeing to a contractual marriage.

What is a covenant marriage to begin with? Why is that different than a contractual marriage? Elder Hafen explains it best, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” I love this quote because it motivates me to fight for the reward of a covenant marriage. A covenant marriage is lasting and brings pure joy and happiness as husband and wife give their all to make things work, to buoy each other up in times of difficulty, and to endure to the end with hope and love for one another.

In my own life, I am blessed with a wonderful husband who has the same desire that I do, to strengthen our covenant marriage. Although we both have this tender desire, we also need to work at our marriage and continually fortify and nurture it. For this reason, there are four things we will always strive to do to ensure that our marriage lasts forever. If you are reading this, I would encourage you to reflect on your marriage and how you can apply or improve on our efforts. Here is our list:

1. Consistent scripture study and prayer together
2. Consistent counseling and discussions with one another
3. Weekly date nights
4. Doing little things/being selfless to show “I love You” every day

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng